And so it begins

It's Christmas Eve. It's Christmas Eve and now's the time we reflect upon our lives, our friendships, our relationships and all the other crap we fool ourselves into believing is important. But we don't get to decide what's important. Some of us tend to use gifts as a barometer of friendships and when we don't receive any we tend to get on the downer side of the holiday season. Some of us reflect on our lives and ultimately concede that we don't really have anything worth having. Some of us just suffer from the inevitable melancholy that comes with unrequited loves. That's some of us. But really, not to get all Dr. Phil or Deepak Chopra (Those are two guys who'd have quite the time together) on anybody, but would anyone here admit that in almost everything you'll seem to find, the core of it is usually love? I mean, I'm just guessing. I'm pretty drunk. A lot of the times during the holiday season it does in fact come down to love and it usually determines the state of one's spirit in that time. I could use this LJ as a platform and tell you what my current spirit is, but it'd freak half of you out and confuse the other half. Take that as you wish. I mean, you come to the end of a day, you think you know what's what and BAM, you're going three rounds in the ring with God again because he wants to mess around with you just a little bit more. Sometimes I get very confused and sad when I can't figure what my place here is. I don't know whether or not I'm talking about the grand scale of human experience or the temporary right now of life but either way I'm not 100% sure what my place is. And that's why I don't like thinking about all of this too much, because when I do, I want to die. That's a small fraction of the time though. The other 7/8ths are....well some of those times are rather death-wishy as well. Much of the time I can't identify the trigger. But sometimes I can, and when I can it's usually the girls. Yeah. It's the girls. The girls do it to me. I know it sounds really softy and weak and stupid but it's true. When I can identify the trigger it's usually the girls. When I see any kind of vision of a girl that just might inspire to say to myself "I want" I usually get those types of feelings. I'll find something in someone, maybe someone I've known for a long time, and I'll say to myself "That's beautiful. You're beautiful" and yeah, I'll just wanna die (I'm not calling myself beautiful there if there was any confusion). And I think that, again, I think that roots from the low self respect issue again. I'll say "I want that. There's no way on God's green earth that I'm gonna come close to anything near that" Why? Because I'm me. And let me clarify when I say "I want that" so I don't come off as stalkery or anything. A lot of times it's not even girl specific. Sometimes it's just in the abstract "You're beautiful" that I get myself lost in. I don't know. Another thing that's hard is trying to figure out who's world you're a part of (or apart of in some cases). Where exactly do you fall in anybody's circle of friends? Are you a part of anyone's circle of friends? Who are you important to? Who's important to you? I constantly find myself within relationships of unequivocal affections and it's not fun either way. It'd be easier if someone were to give me a diagram with lines and arrows telling me what's what and who trusts me and who I can trust. If anyone reading this has a diagram.... Wow, this has progressed from thoughtful to depressing to sad to self-indulgent to desperate. I sincerely apologize for potentially wasting your time. I'll give you a refund. Well, maybe not a refund. I'll give you like, five bucks or something. Well, three bucks. I'll give you three bucks if you think I wasted your time. I think 3 bucks is fair. "C.J. They beat women, Nancy. They hate women. The only reason they keep Qumari women alive is to make more Qumari men. NANCY So what do you want me to do about it? C.J. How about instead of suggesting that we sell the guns to them, suggesting that we shoot the guns at them? And by the way, not to change the subject, but how are we supposed to have any moral credibility when we talk about gun control and making sure that guns don't get in the hands of the wrong people? God, Nancy! What the hell are we defining as the right people?"