Expectations

So everyone's finally back. Nine days later. 3 weeks later most will be gone again. It seems like it's only good ones that go away to make the rest stay. The good ones go to force the bad ones into something better. I spent the past nine days trying to figure it out. How was I going to make the senior year a good one. When you consider the reason I came to school to begin with was for things that abandoned me that I abandoned in return only to come back groveling in a pitiful exhibition of pridelessness. I'm a little coked up. Most of these are self-indulgent, self-absorbed, pieces of angst laced psychobabble that nobody understands but the person writing them. I'm so tired of being disappointed and not liking people. But there's always one good thing about the people around me. One good thing. It's your choice to make whether you miss out on that. That's the price you pay. When you choose alliances you're putting your trust with those people. When you can't trust anyone, what's the alternative? Lowered expectations. Expect nothing from everyone and there's no possible way that anyone will ever let you down. Or better, expect the disappointing things. The things like betrayal and loveless friendships. Expect abandonment and people who use you only as a means for something else. Expect complete ungratitude and mockery, the smaller, sarcastic things. Expect that and guess what, you will never, ever be disappointed. Live a life with expectations so low that nobody can undermine them. People can only exceed or meet them and you'll either be prepared or surprised. That's a sad way to live a life. People die to make life important. People go deaf to make hearing a piece of music beautiful. People stay to make others want to leave. People have contempt for others to make a person's love valuable. We always have this metaphor of "I would die for you" "I would take a bullet for you". Where does something like that come from? The concept of giving your life so another might live seems like such an obligation it's not even an issue of question. Is there anyone you would want to die for or just people you feel like you should die for? I could count the number of people I would on my left hand and the number of people I want to on less than that. It's driven by a selfish desire. How do I fill up the happiness? What can I do to make the pain go away? What should I accomplish? I'm not convinced it's supposed to be about that. So what's the broader purpose? The obvious Christian mantras are tiring. We're losing our spark and becoming the shells of the people we should be and can be. I want? No. It's about giving. It's the harder things.