"Nothing but strikes"

It's really becoming a good time to move past the era of apologizing to everyone because "I suck" or this and that or making jokes about killing myself. I don't really like that anymore and I don't really know why I ever did. The fact that it's taken me this long to learn that is a little bit crazy. I hardly think anyone would like to be in this place of "Well the people I care about the most or quite possibly the only people I'm going to have capacity to care about for a while are leaving so I'll just stick around here for two years". It's all just incredibly selfish when you get down to it, just a different breed of selfishness. It's a sad day when you're talking about other people, not your own brother, when you're talking about this stuff. I feel about seven shades of idiot right now. I think everyone's starting to forget about the one brilliant thing they were gonna do with their lives and accepting the lower road. One of the recent struggles has been, in terms of the confines of a normal friendship, how much is too much and what's not enough? Every friendship should be something you can work at with at least the hint of a promise of something more than what you started out with. I can never tell when I'm reaching too far too much and when I'm being neglectful. I was talking about someone about little gestures and they told me it was all in the details. The little things you could remember from a friendship's past and prior memories, a callback you could make. Recollections. It's pretty pathetic when there really isn't too much to call back from. A relationship predicated on a geniune care for the other person but so thin that there's not much else to it. The good times? Any times, really. I have no idea why this spark wasn't there during the school year. There aren't going to be any simpler times and it's gonna get worse before it gets better. What's funny is I consider my outlook/attitude far less negative than it was ten days ago.