"I told many, many people"

I try to keep my mind occupied with ideas. But the well's running dry. It's been running dry for years. I find myself latching onto the newest catchphrase or whatever the talking animals on TV tell me to buy. Where's the originality? Where's the creativity? There's a consistent lack of meaning throughout the past weeks. School's gone. There's literally not a reason to get up in the morning. It's all starting to run together. Consumerism and self-satisfaction are becoming synonymously empty. There's always a religion to turn to. A God to pray to. But it turns out that God and I aren't as good of buddies as I thought we were. Sometimes I wonder if he did pull up that Escalade and haul ass out of town that one summer night. But then I turn on the TV to find a Cheers rerun and pretend to forget about it. The more and more I think about my life the less and less I value it. What's my job? According to the man at the pulpit we're supposed to have servant's hearts. Some of the most amazing people I know have servant's hearts. So does that mean you can walk up to me and ask for a beej and I'll give it to you? (Don't ask me for a beej) Are beejs fair game? I can't think of more than a handful of people who's goodness is motivated out of something outside of pride, fear, or guilt. Most people are bastards. Most people are bastard coated bastards with bastard filling with a side dish of jackass. Not one relationship can I think of in the past 3 years in which the love and respect was genuinely equivocal. One side of the scale always seems to tip the other no matter what. Whatever happened to compromise? It's hard to distinguish the courtesies between the real thing. It's hard to seperate anything from the real thing. Until a couple of days ago I didn't consider the possibility that the smartass sonofabitch shtick wasn't just a desperate "LOOKATME!" means of elevating oneself above everyone else in the room. Most people weren't the smartest kid in the class. Most people didn't like the smartest kid in the class. So what'd they do? Make fun of smartest kid in the class until one day everyone bought the idea that intelligence was a vice.