"I don't know what I'm saying"

Ah yes. So here I am. Here I sit at the college tainted with false security and self-esteem. It's 1:25, I don't know what I'm saying. That's such a great way to bail myself out of something I shouldn't be saying or writing. "I don't know what I'm saying" There's a great quality to it. I will say this though, I take myself too seriously. I just need to tone it down. Cool it down as it were. It's 1:26, I don't know what I'm saying. The moment I get a clear thought that's worth mentioning and LJ-appropriate, I'll let you know. Most of mine usually defy both categories. Not too sure why that is. Oh, now I remember. Because I suck. Ah yes. Again with the self-deprecation. I was supposed to read Antigone for the class I'm going to in 2 minutes. I kinda pansied out with a sparknotes synopsis and a Dano summary. I've been really under-achievey lately. It's not a good thing. It's not something to be proud of. It's 1:28, I don't know what I'm saying. 32

"And you love my dark"

Oscars tonight. Oscar party tonight. Party good. Show bad. Jamie Foxx good. Clint Eastwood bad. Believe it or not that may very well be the most eloquent thing I've ever written. I dunno. I'm just indifferent to MDB. Best Picture...question mark? Good mini-party though. I liked everyone there and that's not an easy thing to do. I approved and I know how important my approval is to everyone so, sleep fine tonight folks. Man, my icon's so awesome. I can't get over how awesome my icon is. I don't care if you don't think she's hot, she's hot. She's my kind of hot. Playboy once dubbed her "The Thinking Man's Pin-up" and I wouldn't call that an inaccurate statement. I'm getting tired at ten past eleven. What is wrong with me?! I used to be unbreakable man. I used to be the shiz. Now, I'm this puny little get-tired-at-11:00PM mortal. I'm listening to Norah Jones. Few voices soothe me like Norah Jones. It's this kind of raspy honey voice that defy many more adjectives. It's confident, it's slightly sexy, it's charming, it's southern. It's soothing. The music has just transitioned to Macy Gray. And now I'm afraid. I'm afraid someone's gonna bust a cap up mine. 31

"And try not to bleed on my couch. I just had it steam cleaned"

Last night I was almost onto something. I think I was trying to convey what I felt it meant to be a good person. What drove it and why and other crap like that. The desire is so subjective too. For some people, it's out of a fear that if they don't do what they don't want to they might get shut out of the pearly gates. For some, it's out of a honest-to-God wish to be, well, honest to God. To please him and such. For some it's about fulfilling a self-set moral code in order to be sucessful in life. For some, it's about loving others. For some, it's about bettering yourself and get yourself to a point where you're good enough to be worthy of someone else's love. For some, it's...it's 2 PM. I don't know what I'm saying. 29

"It's a new dawn, it's a new day. And I'm feelin' good"

I now premiere my third new icon. This one holds a special place in my heart as it's the first one I've created. It's a cropped and resized screencap from yesterday's episode of The West Wing. Oddly enough, the post-Sorkin episode was actually good. And Allison Janney just owned (like it was any surprise). I was just going through my music and apparently, I have 2,857 songs as of today. That's nine days, seven hours, and thirty three minutes of music folks. Or 223.5 hours. I'd consider it a music library. It's really my iPod that got me in the game. I know see the point in collecting music and the proposition was made all the more enticing by the fact that I could have it all in the palm of my hand. UIL Update: Technically, we have four rehearsals left until our festival. Yay? I've been considering how much effort it takes into being a good person by society's and your own standards. And is it worth it? That's debatable. Is it worth trying? That's not. Sometimes people use this little hardass front in fear of people actually getting to the truth of them. Sometimes looking good is much more important than being good when in reality it's so not. Sometimes you...it's 2 AM. I don't know what I'm saying. But I'll tell you this: Allison Janney is a bit of a goddess 29

"No rich, white guy has ever gotten anywhere with me comparing himself to Rosa Parks"

Ever needed a good and accurate barometer to judge where you are in a relationship with someone else while at the same time maintaining a sense of disinterest and indifference but still showing a...this is nowhere. I'm going nowhere with this. I was thinking of some good "Scenes From A Hat" scenes and one of them was "If Jesus was alive today". At first I thought of short little vignettes like "You made that guy President?" or "First church of scienwha?!". But then I started granting the premise heavily and I seriously think the guy would be disappointed. He'd come back down here and just be like "Guys, what the hell? Come on. I leave you alone for a couple of centuries and...The O.C.? Reality TV? Supermodels? Porno? Anorexia, American Idol, two parties, racism, pro-life, pro-choice, gay hating, social security, Vietnam, Ashlee Simpson? Look at you. I give you a world and this is how you repay me?" And then he'd backhand us all in one fell swoop One of my oldest friends just got into a relationship (or courtship as the term is preferred) that will most likely lead to marriage. It’s just odd to finally see him in a relationship of any kind. Him and I have been sharing our experiences, unrequited and unwanted both, with the ladies for some time now and finally he’s found himself within the real deal. Only now does it seem like his life is real. I don’t know why that is. Some philosopher dude (Never get the names straight) once suggested that love was merely the realization that something in this world is real besides yourself. Jealous, much? Naw, probably not. It’s just such a change of pace to see him taking off in the plane while I’m still at the airport we’d both been waiting at together. In all fairness though he probably arrived at the gate far before I did. And yes, the iPod is one of the most beautifully practical things of modern invention. 2500 songs in my pocket. Come on! 25

"There was a bomb scare"

So, yeah. Apparently, the other day somebody threatened to blow us all up. It should be said with much emphasis on "threatened". Of course, nobody blew up and we were all good. Truth be told, I kinda liked it. I liked going out to the football field with everybody. I just really enjoy situations of borderline crisises (crisi?) in which we're together. It's odd but I really liked it. It finally seems like we're human or some crap like that. It's probably the visceral feeling of "Something bad is happening but we're all with each other". I don't quite understand why I get such a kick out of that but that day was pretty fun. The post-Papposito's lunch was great fun too. Kristen, thanks for being there when I needed you and never asking questions. I don't know if any of us came together closer because of the almost blowing-uppage but it was different. It was a fun change of pace. I think I'll call in the next one... 23

"There's a zone"

Believe or not I actually like being an alternate. I know it's not working "the way it's supposed to be" but I'm having a time and it'll come together blah blah blah. What I don't think will happen, however, is all 36 of us coming as close together as everyone did last year. That's just, no. That's not gonna happen. It's to diverse a group but I'm having fun. Hopefully, the video will be the shiznick if I don't screw it up in some way, seeing as how everything I touch turns to crap. HAHA.....it's true. Right now I'm listening to Yo-Yo Ma play Bach's Cello Suites and I'm feelin' all classy. But I suppose using the phrase "feelin' all classy" pretty much destroys my chances of poessesing any class. But class is underrated these days. Talent and beauty, sure, why not? But intelligence, wit, and class. You'd be hard pressed to find a triple whammy as far as that's concerned. You find a 5 for 5, I suggest you snatch that up before someone does. I actually am in no position to snatch I love going on long and stupid tangents without wanting to but then bailing myself out by saying "I don't know what I'm saying". I'm trying to figure out what I contribute to the group. It's not the funny because A) We've got plenty of that already and B) I'm not. When I make a joke that makes somebody laugh it's like an eclipse. I'm still searching for my "sweet spot" as it were. Right now I'm great for bitchslapping and being told to shuttup but I can do more than that. Come on. "YOUDONTLIKETHEAMISH?!?!" 20

"It's Time"

So I drove for the first time today. Yay...? But don't worry. Even though they let me loose on the roads I only killed about thirteen people today (I didn't stick around to see if number fourteen made it or not. He looked in pretty bad shape after the stomach cavity collapsed but I trust that the paramedics did "everything they could".) Arrested Development. Two words: Come on! Now I know most all of you haven't been following the show recently but I strongly urge you to do so especially if you're a Neilsen family. The episode order was recently cut back from 22 to 18 because of low ratings with an average of 6.2 million households a night and to make room for the show that NOBODY likes, American Dad (AKA Family Guy: Part Two but crappier and more ripoffy). Seriously guys, even though it doesn't look it or seem it AD is one of the best shows on television right now. The absolute craft they put into the thing completely raises the bar for half hour comedy. Think Seinfeld. Now think better ensemble, no annoying laughy studio audience, more subtle humor and more jokes per episode because of the way it's shot, better direction, and even more incredible writing. And there it is. Now, I imagine it might be more difficult to jump into midseason as a fair amount of the humor is dependent on a knowledge of the show's continuity. So watch the Season 1 DVDs. Buy them or borrow them from me. It's on the bubble right now when crap covered dreck with crap filling like "Who Wants To Marry a Gay Millionaire Midget While Eating A Cow Rectum and Potentially Killing People With Steak Knives" stays on. FOX (Which would be more appropriately titled if you substituted the O with a U) doesn't know a good thing when they put it on and it wins 5 Emmys including Best Comedy. Again, I strongly urge all of you to get in the game. This is one of those shows that's worth it. And now a completely smooth transitional segway from this subject to the next: Independence is hot. I'm not talking the girl-power I'm my own woman kind of fauxpendence. I'm talking the honest-to-God I don't need to need or be needed I can sucessfully exist without a bf/gf kind of independence independece. When you come across people like that it's fascinating because you feel like they've discovered this secret to it that the rest of us have yet to. They know or seem to know more then you. And that's a kind of sexy intelligence that'll never cease to captivate me. Then by a turn of God's twisted irony you start to want or need them or need them to need you. It's funny. Ha...ha...? 17

"You're smoky"

I really hope the documentary impresses. I'm shooting high but might fall mighty short. We shall see. It has come to my attention that we really need an improv game night for a theatre party. J cubed and myself did a bit of a trial run with some alternately hilarious and pathetic results (the latter being mine...of course) The other theme parties we're okay, but I think that'd be fun. Then someone could fake an asthma attack and everyone could get pissed about it. Yeah, that'd be awesome. I'm really digging older music. I've been playing it safe with soundtracks and musicals but now I'm getting into the days of old. The days of yore if you will. The days when chart-toppers such as Beatles and Van Morrison and Ray Charles were king. I'm a big fan. Again, if you have any CDs that'll just blow my ears off that you'd be willing to let me borrow for a day or two, let me know. My ears haven't been blown off in quite a while and they could use a good blow. I usually have to blow them myself... 16

"Words, when spoken out loud for the sake of performance, are music"

You'd think that theatre people would be more open to the idea of having a camera shoved in their face but no, they're not. The way some react it's like they're having one shoved somewhere else. I'm gonna try my best to make this little UIL doc thing worth watching. I've done videos but this is a whole new thing. It's a documentary and I can't fall back on quickly edited montages. Anyone who has any ideas to make the doc interesting that aren't pornographic leave me a comment. If I get desperate I'll start taking the pornographic ones. I had my first root beer today. Interesting taste. I thought it was better than the average coke. So, root beer's out of the way. What's left? We've been studying Shakespeare and we've talked about how we wrote in a heightened language. Like, people didn't really talk like that in the time in which he lived but it still retained at least some believability as dialogue. So I was racking my brain trying to think of some modern-day equivalents to Shakespeare in that sense. In the sense that it's a heightened language out of reality but not of the realm of possibility. I could only come up with Aaron Sorkin but that might just have been because of my undying love for his work. I've started to realize the importance of words. There's nothing we do more than that. So putting the right ones in the right order is crucial in how you present yourself as you. Do you want to be the charming S.O.B. or the stubborn jackass. The difference between the two is only words away. Sometimes I don't exactly find the right ones or when I do they're not in the right order. From time to time, most of the time actually, I find myself ripping off a quote from a movie or TV show that I've heard before. I need to stop doing that. I could write a book on things I need to stop doing. Feel free to make a list for me. I've been having a lot of trouble coming up with original jokes lately. I'm trying to figure out the secret formula. I need to read more books. Everyone does. 12

"Nothing, I just think you're funny"

I would love to live in a world in which everyone's fear wasn't to be asked a question but was not knowing the answer. There are so few things in the world right now that manage to make intelligence sexy. When I find one, I tend to fall in love with it. But that's just me. Again with the uncommon/unlikely attraction thing. One-Act was drier than Oscar Wilde today. I still have fear in my heart and it's eating it away. But then fear spits it out and says "Hey, no one wants this heart. Not even me. And I'm fear." Metaphorical self-deprecation. Always funny. Funny to me anyway. And really, isn't that really all that matters. Me? I think so. You know I came up with that first paragraph and the rest of what I typed was just filler. It shows too. -49

God, Nancy. What the hell are we defining as the right people?

I can be such an ass sometimes. I really can. I don't know where I am right now. I'll get back to you when I do get my groove back though. It's self-absorbed crap like the above that makes me roll my retrospective eyes. I suppose I just want people to know that I'm fully aware of the assness that can be me. Maybe a change is coming. I'm just speculating. Ever allow for the possibility that you don't mean much to the people that do to you? Yeah... Self-absorbed should be my middle name. Or Cornifius. Either way is cool. The point is that I'm gonna try and stop doing that so much. And I make no apologies for my last entry. FEEL THE CONVICTION!! I'm typing this on one of those pretty little iMacs. It's very pretty. Much like Allison Janney. I hope I don't come off as superior when I say that I think I tend to find beauty in unlikely places. I don't know. Sometimes it's like Christmas morning when all the other presents suck but then there's that one that just kicks your ass and you love it so because it's your's. Or maybe it's like stumbling across hidden treasure and you just can't get over how no one has found it yet. 10 Days...

Drama anyone?

Yeesh. Dear everybody, We need to appreciate what we have because our lives are so freaking awesome. I know what's what. Let me show you the way it goes because my life is so hot. I'm wise and knowledgable. Listen to me. Stop venting. It's bad and wrong. You're wrong and I'm right. I know what I'm talking about because I'm better than you. Ya'll, I've had this revelation that we haven't been appreciative of what we have and we should be. Smell the roses ya'll! Go to your boyfriend or girlfriend and go "You're pretty. No you're pretty. Noo you're pretty" for nine hours on end. I totally know what I'm talking about because I'm so amazing. Appreciate Kingwood because it's so awesome and I'm so awesome. Sincerely, Better than you

So don't ever see the movie "Celluar". Don't ever see it unless you're with a big group of people, some of whom are witty. That has got to be one of the best movies to MST3K that I've seen in recent memory. I mean, you really make a bad joke when you're watching movie in which a little kid who get kidnapped's name is Ricky Martin. EMO Vent Time: I can be a real ass to everyone and I apologize about that. I'll try not to do that so much in the future. I don't know what happens to me sometimes. I just get into ass mode and I get carried away. Oh, and uh, Kingwood High sucks and I hate life? I love how theatre has changed me. Not so much the number 1 Conservative, barely go to church, mix up the language a bit more than I did and should, less judgmental, more open-minded, more prepared for the bizzare. It's fun. What a gift. HOLYSHITDIDYOUSEETHATKIDGOTKIDNAPPED!!

Not so much

"Then allow for the possibility that from time to time other people might be at least as smart as you are" You come to the point where you realize that everything's about something. There's always some underlying motivation or little something that lies behind every action taken and every word said. Or maybe not. I don't know what I'm saying. The UIL ensemble is starting to take shape. No doubt that there's people in there that despise other people that they're working with, but boiling under the surface is fine as long as it stays there. And of course, there's the biggest "WTF?" decision that's starting to get to people, myself included. But no bother. If we're walking into a dead-end I want us running full speed. Ever notice that your mind is a creative wasteland? Yeah, I've got some of that. Some of us are better at writing than talking.

Worthless, much?

The utter pretentiousness of my last quote is almost funny. After the first rehearsal, I'm pumped. I'm honestly pumped about the OAP now. I mean, some decisions are still "WTF"y but I don't much care anymore. I'm happy. And isn't my happiness really the only thing that matters? I read what I found to be quite a depressing little tale last night. It was about this guy who hated his mom but loved her all the same. It was complicated and beautiful (much like myself?) and the end, while not totally unforseen, was still kinda devastating. And it just ended. The name of the story was called "Everything That Rises Must Converges". I'm running out of ways to entertain my captive audience. One other thing. Everytime, almost every damn time something happens to someone and I give them the "Is there anything I can do for you?" I always get the same answer. Apparently, there's nothing I can do for anybody. Worthless, much? UIL People: Think about how you can respectively bring the funny to the documentary. It takes two to tango. "Now that I've met you, would you object to never seeing me again?"